It is that time again. I have been way too serious lately.

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So, a blond walks into a police station looking for a job. The officer behind the desk decides to humor her by asking a few questions as if it were a real job interview.

“What’s 2+2?” He asks.

“4” she responds.

“Now a tougher one. What is the square root of 100?’

She thinks for a few moments and says “10.”

“Excellent,” he beems. “Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

“Oh, sorry, I don’t know.”

“Well, you go home and work on that one.” He figures he will never see her again.

When the blond gets home she calls her best friend. “Oh, I’m so excited. Not only did I get a job with the police but I have a murder case to work on.”

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A little old lady walks into the doctor’s office. “Doctor, I keep farting but it isn’t too much of a problem since they hardly smell and they are quite silent. In fact, I have farted several times since getting to your office.”

“I see,” the doc said and gave her some pills with instructions to return in a week.

She returned a week later and was a bit upset. “I don’t know what you gave me but now my farts smell something awful but at least they are still silent.”

“Good,” the doc said. “Now that we have cleared up your sinuses, I have something to improve your hearing.”

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A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister, and a Jewish Rabbi were discussing the knotty topic of when life begins.

“At fertilization,” said the Priest, “that is when God breathes the spirit of life into the embryo.”

“No, no,” responded the Minister, “it begins at birth. That is when the fetus becomes an actual person and starts toward being an independent soul who must confront sin and redemption.”

The Jewish Rabbi scoffed. “You are both wrong. Life begins when your child graduates college and finally moves out of the damn house.”

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A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders a drink. The bartender says “you can’t bring a damn dog in here.”

The man says, “oh, this is my seeing-eye dog.”

“Sorry,” the bartender, now embarrased, responds. “Listen, the first drink is on me.”

The man takes his drink and finds a seat near the door. Minutes later, a man with a chihuahua walks in and the first man calls him over. “Listen buddy, the bartender will kick you out unless you tell him this is your seeing-eye dog.”

“Thanks for the tip.” The man walks up to the bar and did just that.

The bartender scoffs. “That’s a Chihuahua. They aren’t seeing eye dogs.”

The man pauses for just a second. “WHAT! You mean to tell me they gave me a damn chihuahua?”

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Here is Tom in the kitchen!

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Bits & Pieces:

I’m on two diets now … I wasn’t getting nearly enough food on just one.

Apparently, RSVP’ing back to a wedding invitation with ‘maybe next time‘ isn’t the right response.

Scientists have determined that Aliens lock their doors when passing by the earth. Wouldn’t you?

I asked my date if I was the only one she had been with … she said yes, all the others had been nines and tens.

I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

If you see me talking to myself, I’m having a staff meeting.

It is true that dogs are loyal. However, cats are not known to reveal to the cops where your drugs are stashed.

Do you get up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror before sighing … that cannot possibly be accurate.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated … she made me an appointment for next tuesday.

Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers. Me: to be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy restarants that make the food right in front of you. So, I took her to Subways. That’s when the fight started.

After almost 50 years of marriage, I knew that my wife still found me sexy. Every time I passed by her, I would hear her say, ‘what an ass.’

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A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and even by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any colleague, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come in contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or another known as the Bothersome -Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until the WORK virus has been compltely eliminated from your system.

You should pass this warning on to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you are likely already infected and WORK has taken over your life. RIP!

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A blond assistant to a CEO was asked to plan her boss’ meetings during an East Coast business trip. She didn’t know when he was scheduled to arrive in New York and thus could not schedule his meetings.

Then she had an idea. She called the airline and asked. “Can you tell me how long it takes to fly from San Francisco to New York?”

The airline agent said, “just a minute …..”

The blond immediately responded. “Oh, that’s so helpful, thank you so much,” and hung up the phone.

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After a weekend full of partying with much alcohol and drugs, Tom showed up for work on Monday morning. They had a surprise drug test scheduled but Tom had been tipped off in advance. He came to work with a urine sample from his girlfriend. She didn’t touch booze or drugs so Tom thought he was golden.

With a big smile, Tom turned his fake urine sample into the nurse.

The next day his boss texted: ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are drug free. The bad news is that you are 6 weeks pregnant and, by the way, you are fired.’

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Marriage Insights:

How do most men define marriage …. a very expensive way to get free laudary.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to the other. “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “yup, but only because I married the wrong guy.”

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

Girl: when we get married, I want you to share all your worries and troubles .. to lighten your burden. Boy: that’s so kind of you but I don’t have any worries and troubles. Girl: that’s because we are not married yet.

A woman always has the last word in an argument. Anything the man says after that is the start of the next argument.

Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and the boxing ring.

I told my wife once that I needed more space. So, she locked me outside of the house.

There are only two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman … before marriage and after marriage.

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A young woman knelt in the confessional. “Bless me father, I have sinned.”

“What have you done, my child?”

“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The Priest turned to get a good look at the woman. “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin, just an error in judgment.”

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Tom left for work one friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the enire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his weekly wages at several bars. When he finally got home, he was confronted by a very angry wife.

After screaming at him for two hours she ended with, “how would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

Without thinking Tom replied, “that would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and Tom didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Finally, the swelling subsided just enough by Thursday where Tom could see her out of the corner of his left eye.

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So, a ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub. Paddy, who was getting more irate by the minute finally stands up: “Now just a minute laddie, tis an awful thing you are doing, making us all look like morons and idiots. I ought to punch you in the nose.”

“I’m so sorry, sir, I didn’t mean ….”

“Not you,” shouted Paddy, “I’m talking to the little fella sittin on your knee.”

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