Time for some wit amidst all the wisdom I share. I know, I know … you can’t find either wit nor wisdom in my posts. But the price is right.

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Bad News … A man goes on a lengthy business trip and leaves his pet dog with his brother. He calls a week before his return to ask how his dog is doing.

“Oh,” the brother hesitates before blurting out, “he’s dead.”

“What?” The man replies. “Couldn’t you have broken it to me with more sensitivity?”

“Like how?”

The grieving man continues. “Well, you could have first told me that Fido got out of the house. I would have called back after a bit and then you could have told me that Fido had somehow got up on the roof but help was on the way. When I called the 3rd time, then you could have said that the fire department was there to rescue him. And then, during the next call, you could break it to me that fido fell off the roof and died. By then I would be prepared.”

“Got it,” the brother said. “I’ll do that next time for sure.”

“Good, so how’s mom?”

The brother paused a moment. “Ah, she’s up on the roof but the fire department has been called.”

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The Circumcission Conundrum … a teacher noticed a little boy squirming around at the back of the class. She went back to find out the problem. He was embarrassed and whispered to her that he had recently been circumcised and it was quite itchy down there. She told him to go to the Principal’s office and call his mother.

The boy did as instructed but then returned to class and now was creating a bigger fuss in the back of the class. The teacher marched back to see what the problem was now. The boy was sitting there with his penis hanging out.

“Didn’t you call your mother?”

“I did,” the boy exclaimed. “She told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime she would come and pick me up.”

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A Fairy Tale … Once upon a time, a beautiful Prncess stumbled upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, “I’m a handsome Prince but an evil witch put a spell on me. But one kiss from you and we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my food, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever be happy doing so.”

Later that evening, the beautiful Princess was dining on frog legs as she laughed, “I don’t think so.”

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In Loco Parentis … On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the Students.

“Remember, the female dorms are out of bounds for male students and the male dorms are for female students. For the first violation, the fine is $20, for the second it is $40 bucks, and the third offense will cost you $120.”

A male student shot up his hand.

“Yes?” the Dean acknowledged him.

“How much for a season’s pass?”

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The Deal …. Paddy was driving in Dublin when he saw a sign at a petrol station that caught his eye. FREE SEX with every fill up! Excited, Paddy pulled right in and filled up his car.

“Do I get my free sex now?”

“First,” the owner said,” pick a number between 1 and 10.”

“Seven, that’s my lucky number.”

“Oooh, so close. The number was six. Better luck next time.”

Paddy drove around the city all day and went back when he was almost out of petrol. After filling up the tank, the owner again asked him for a number.

“Six,” Paddy said confidently.

“Again, so close. The winning number was five.”

Paddy relayed his close calls to his buddy Sean. “Oh Paddy,” Sean scoffed. “The game is rigged. You will never win.”

“Not so,” Paddy argued back. “My sister had her tank filled there twice last week and got free sex both times.”

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The Double Bogey …. One day, Paddy took his wife golfing with him. On a difficult hole, he sliced his ball off the fairway and behind an old barn where the equipment to keep the course ship shape was kept.

“Oh, what will I do now?” Paddy lamented.

“I know,” his wife said. “I’ll open the doors on both sides and you can hit through the open barn right to the green.”

“Wonderful idea.”

She opened the doors on one side and then went around and opened the doors on the other. Paddy took his time, taking very careful aim. Then, he gave the ball a mighty whack just as his wife looked around the door to see what was taking so long. The ball hit her directly in the forehead, sending her to her heavenly reward.

A month later, Paddy hit the same drive on the same hole. His buddy Sean said, “No problem. I’ll open both doors and you can hit right through the barn.”

“No way!” Paddy exclaimed. “Not after what hapened last time.”

“What happened?” Sean inquired.

“I shot a double bogey on this hole.”

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The Golf Addict …. Paddy never missed a Saturday golf date with Sean and his other buddies. He was there every week no matter what, even as others in the foursome missed a round or two on occasion.

One Saturday, they were teeing up on a hole that was adjacent to the road that led to the local cemetary. As Paddy was about to tee off, a line of cars slowly passed, obviously headed to the burial of a recently deceased soul. Paddy doffed his cap, bowed his head, and stood silently as the cars passed.

“Paddy,” his buddy Sean said, “I take it you knew the deceased.”

“That I did, Sean, that I did. She was a damn good wife to me these past 40 years.” Then he put his cap back on and teed off.

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Donald Marks His Territory … After Trump won the 2016 election, he stopped by to chat with the outgoing President. After a few beers, Donald asked if he could use Barak’s personal toilet.

“Of course,” the ever pleasant chief executive replied.

Donald was amazed when he noticed a gold urinal there. He mentioned it to Melania later, saying he would have to have a bigger and better one after they moved in.

A bit later, Melania and Michelle had a lunch to exchange pleasantries in which the incoming first lady expressed her surprise that Obama had such a luxury in his bathroom.

That night, as they were getting ready for bed, Michelle spoke up. “Oh, I learned one thing from Melania earlier today that might interest you.”

“What’s that?” Barak replied.

“Donald took a whizz in your saxaphone.”

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The Wisdom of Cliff … “Well, Normy, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. So, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. Now, this natural selection is good for the herd as a whole.

“Why’s that, Cliffy,” Norm asks.

“Because, you see, the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing-off of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells but, as with a buffalo herd, attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

“Really?” Norm rolled his eyes.

“It’s a fact, Normy. Regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

They ordered another round.

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The Delivery …. A coffin manker was delivering one of his products when his truck broke down just short of his destination. Being strong, he lifted the coffin on to his head and was walking the rest of the way.

“Hey,” a cop yelled to him, “where do you think you are going with that coffin?”

“Hell, isn’t it obvious,” the frustrated coffin maker yelled back. “I didn’t like where they buried me so I’m relocating.”

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… A woman married and had 4 children before her hisband died. She remarried and had 2 more children before the 2nd one passed. She married a 3rd time and had 3 more kids with this last one before he kicked the bucket.

Finally, this good woman herself passed. The local Priest got up to give the eulogy. “Ah, good Margaret obeyed the Lord’s command to go forth and multiply. But now, she will be rewarded by being together again.”

One mourner leaned over to her neighbor and asked, “is he referring to being together with husband number one, two, or three.”

“None of them,” the neighbor replied. “The good Father is referring to her legs.”

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The Poker Game … A well respected doctor was at home relaxing when the phone rang. It was from one of his medical colleagues who told them that they needed a fourth for poker. “I’ll be right there.”

His wife was looking forward to a quiet evening at home and was not happy to see him run off for yet another emergency. “Again? This better better be serious.”

“Oh, very serious indeed. In fact, there are three doctors there already.”

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Gray Hair … A curious child asks his mother, “why is your hair turning gray?”

The mom relied as follows. “Every time you disobey me, do something naughty, and don’t listen to me, another of my hairs turns gray?”

The boy looked thoughtfully toward her. “You must have been awful as a child cause grandma’s hair is totally white.”

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And remember this …. tact is for people not witty enough to employ sarcasm.