I’ve been writing about deep political and philosophical issues of great moment recently. So, I almost gave myself some time off this morning, mostly because I had an early doctor’s appointment and then a busy day. Still, before the day ends, I will touch on a serious topic close to my heart, or should I say waist … defending obesity. Why do this, you ask? Simple, I am one of those so inflicted with this condition.

This issue popped into my head when my good friends and neighbors returned from a hiking trip to Italy this week. Such a trip puzzles me. Really, do you have to go all that way to engage in self-abuse. There are plenty of trails right here in and around Madison if you wish to torture yourself. Or, if you are in to more extreme forms of pain, you simply can read one of my lengthy books.

Anyway, when I saw the two of them I thought to myself that there is no way they have more than 3 percent body fat. Then Ann came up and gave me a big hug (she was a social worker and they hug a lot) which enabled me to more accurately assess the extent of her anorexia. I revised my estimate down to 1% body fat. Now, while that enables them to walk up a flight of stairs without calling 911 for help, does this make them really happy or, more importantly, healthy? Good question.

Let us overlook the fact that I wheeze getting out of bed in the AM, or that it takes me half our to get my socks on. Distracting, for sure, but are these the most important things when considering the merits of adding additional fat to one’s perimeter. I would pose the following scenarios for your consideration before you respond:

You are stuck in the arctic. It is 30 below zero. Who is going to survive longer. A tubby like me or someone with 1% body fat.

Or lets say their is a world wide famine after an asteroid strike. Who will last maybe 4 or 5 weeks longer than those skinny bastards falling over in the first few weeks. Us fatties will, no doubt.

And when your significant other poisons you and dumps you into a body of water to hide the evidence while claiming you ran off to Mexico with your lover. If you are skinny, the chain and weight might actually keep you submerged and undiscovered. But if you are fat, you will bloat more easily and rise to the surface before she can get away with all your worldy goods.

Skinny people, those who spend their lives at the gym and on the hiking trail, don’t think about these things. They should. So, when you are tempted by that last piece of pie, go for it. It will not only taste good but protect you from all sort of mayhem and disaster.

You can thank me later for this sage advice.