It is not snowing today but damn cold. The high today will barely climb above zero. So, more memories. This version will focus on my early love life, such as it was. I can’t claim to have much luck with the ladies, mostly due to a horrible self image … which unfortunately was justified.

Here I am about to go to the prom with my high school girlfriend Maribeth. Since she went to a different school, we could have gone to two proms but I insisted on only one. I thought them pure torture as you can see by my expression. And check out my hairdo. I am so embarrassed. No wonder I thought myself unlovable though, to be honest, I considered myself an interesting character even then … quick and humorous. I just felt ugly.

Anyway, Maribeth was cute, smart as a whip, and had a good sense of humor. Why she agreed to go out with me remains a mystery I have never been able to answer. However, when I wasn’t scowling, like I was at the very thought of a prom, we had many laughs but no sex. She was a good Catholic girl after all, and any carnal delights were never going to happen. The Catholic girls back then all prayed to the Virgin Mother of the pure bodily temple and would rather be dipped in boiling oil than put out. We guys suffered much.

I must admit, though, she had all the makings of a good life partner but I was very anti-marriage then, having lived through my parent’s disastrous relationship. That soured me on any attempt at my own permanent coupling, so I made sure I didn’t drift unthinkingly into matrimony.

No, I went into a Catholic Seminary after high school, an excellent dodge for a guy hell bent on avoiding longer commitments (except to the Almighty I suppose). At least I didn’t have to break up with her. I could argue that I had a prior commitment to God. It was a foreign missionary order. I would end up overseas. I was making damn sure I wouldn’t get nabbed.

Maribeth did go on to get a Doctorate in Literature, which I would have guessed, so she likely was smart enough to dump me in any case. Unfortunately, I lost touch with her after that. But I imagine she was an excellent wife and had a good marriage.

After I left the Seminary, I entered Clark University which had nothing to do with the Catholic church … thank God. Better yet, they had girls who weren’t Catholic. There, my first girlfriend was Carol. She was Jewish, which almost caused my mother to have cardiac arrest. I’m sure several relatives prayed for my endangered soul. But I liked her a lot. She was really smart, in fact ranking first in our college class as I recall. She went on to get her doctorate from Harvard and later became a Dean at Rutgers.

I assume you have the same question I had. What is a talented (she also had a great singing voice) and lovely young woman doing with a loser like me. Again, I have no idea other than I may have seemed smart and could be amusing. It was all smoke and mirrors … I was blessed with the Celtic gift of gab. Better yet, from my perspective, Carol was engaged at the time to a guy who had somehow gotten drafted and was stationed in Alaska. That is, she was safe to me, and I may have seemed safe to her. There was no chance of a longer-term commitment even though I suspect she liked me a lot. We were very compatible. While she was appalled at my study habits (what study habits), I believe she also saw me as gifted intellectually, which proves you can fool even smart folk on occasion.

Then there was Lee Delaney. She was my 2nd college sweetheart, the one I fell for on first sight. I saw her walk across a room and was immediately smitten. It took me weeks to work up enough courage to ask her out. She mumbled something about not being able to go out with me (I found out later she was being pursued by a man she didn’t really like but didn’t know how to handle it). Of course, being unlovable, I assumed she was rejecting me. I hibernated for many weeks licking my wounds.

But I was in love. Eventually, I asked her to be a subject in a psych experiment. At the end of that subterfuge, I used my charms (such as they were) to get her to join me for a coffee. And that was the start. In retrospect, I realize we both were smitten with each other but were basket cases when it came to relationships. There were many ups and downs. But I never stopped being infatuated with her. She also was smart, quick with a quip, and very kind and sensitive. After all, she took pity on me.

Of course, I panicked toward the end and went to my favorite go-to tactic. I RAN AWAY. This time, it was the Peace Corp and India. That seemed far enough to avoid being snared into marriage. I did raise the issue in letters I sent back. But my expressions of love were oblique and unconvincing. While she was working at Harvard she met a Post-Doc whom she married. It did not last and she went on to get a Doctorate in molecular something or other and spent her professional life as a research academic. Like I said, I really liked smart women.

Four decades later, I ran across her on Facebook. I screwed up my courage, assuming she would immediately take out a restraining order. But no, she was delighted to hear from me, and we immediately struck up a cyber relationship. It was as if it had been 4 days since our last meeting, not over 4 decades. It turns out she kept all my letters and other such stuff. Her mother even made a case for me the night before her marriage (I always did better with mothers for some reason).

We were both now in good marriages (her second). There was no danger of anything happening, but this connection did give us a chance at achieving closure. We did love one another back then. And we realized we still did when we reconnected though, soon enough, she discovered she was dying of cancer. Our connection, even though shortened and at a distance, was a blessing.

Here I am, the coward running off to India. Okay, I really was a do-gooder looking to save the world. It wasn’t only because I feared a commitment, but it did prove a convenient escape at the time, as had the seminary.

Here is the odd thing. After India (where I did not save the world), I met a gal in graduate school. We had one date, and I moved in with her. She played it perfectly, seemingly not interested in marriage. So, we got married after living together for a year or two. Turns out marriage wasn’t the hell I imagined. It was rather nice. We remained hitched for almost 50 years until she passed from early onset Alzheimers. She also was smart, graduating from Law School with honors and becoming the Deputy Director of the Wisconsin Court System.

Once again, I ask. How could these smart gals fall for a loser like me. A true mystery. It just shows there is no accounting for taste.