I can relate to this first one:

A group of professors were invited on a plane. When the door closed and the plane was about to take off, all the eggheads were informed that the plane had been made by their students. The profs immediately rushed toward the plane door to escape with one exception. This one remained calm and confident.

He was asked why he wasn’t trying to escape.

“Simple”, he replied, “they are our students.”

“And you are that sure you taught them that well”

“Hell no,” he smiled, “I’m just sure the damn thing won’t fly.”

This joke spoke to me, had to share.

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How about a few more then:

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: “Women without her man is nothing.” She then asked the students to punctuate the sentence correctly.

The boys wrote: “Women, without her man, is nothing.”

The girls wrote: “Women! Without her, man is nothing.”

And there you have it.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then, He created man and rested. Next, God created women.

Since then, neither God nor man has gotten a damn bit of rest.

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For those men who say, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”, here’s an update for you.

Nowadays, some 80 percent of women are against marriage. Why? Because women now realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just get get a little sausage.

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Q. How are men and parking lots alike?

A. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

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Q. Why are men like banking machines?

A. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

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Two friends meet each other on the street.

“Hello! Where are you coming from, Tom.” Asked Bill.

“I’m coming from the cenetary. I just burried my mother-in-law.

“I’m so sorry,” Bill said. “But why is your face scratched all over?

“It wasn’t easy,” Tom sighed. “She put up one hell of a fight.”

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8 year old sally brought her report card home. Her marks were generally good though her teacher had written the following across the bottom.

“Sally is a smart girl, but she has one fault. She talks way too much during class. However, I have an idea I’ll try to break her of this habit.

Sally’s dad signed the card and added the following. “Please tell me your idea. I’d like to try it on Sally’s mother.”

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Mildred, the town gossip, loved to dish dirt on everyone. Most of her neighbors were too afraid of her to complain. But she made a mistake when she attacked Tom, a new neighbor.

“You are a drunk,” she said in front of everyone. “I saw your truck parked in front of the the bar for a long time yesterday.”

Tom said nothing and just walked away.

That evening, Tom parked his truck in front of Midred’s house and walked home. He left it parked there all night.

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What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?

Men always miss them!

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An Irish Priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble to the side of the road.

The Rabbi says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

The Priest asks the Rabbi if he’s all right.

“Just shaken up a bit.”

The Priest pulls a flask from his coat and says, “drink some of this. It will calm your nerves.”

The Rabbi takes a couple of good belts and says, “well, what are we going to tell the police.”

The Priest smiles. “I don’t know what your aft’ to be tellin’ them, but I’ll be tellin’ them that I wasn’t the one drinking.”

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Paddy was tooling down the road a bit when the local cop, a friend of his, pulled him over.

“What’s wrong, Seamus?” Paddy asked.

“Well, didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your good wife fell out of the car about a mile or so back there?”

“Ah, praise the Lord,” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d been struck deaf.”

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A blonde calls her mom … “Mom, mom, I’m a genius.”

“Really dear, how’s that possible?”

The blonde replies. I finished a puzzle I’ve been working on for the past year and just read the box. It says ‘for 2 to 5’ years.”

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Q. Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?

A. She was trying to make up her mind.

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A gang of robbers broke into private club for lawyers. the old legal lions gave them one hell of a fight for their lives and money. The gang was happy to escape.

“What a mistake!” the boss of the gang said.

“It wasn’t so bad,” another of the gang said. “We made off with a hundred bucks.”

“Yeah,” the boss replied, “but we had $400 when we went in to rob the place.”

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The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice so he decided to ask his attractive female secretary for some help. “You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some mathematical help.”

“Of course,” she replied.

“If I was to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

She thought for a moment before replying. “Everthing but my earrings.”

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And on that note, I will make my apologies and wish all a good day.