Time for a few jokes. You probably heard many of these before but hey, this is costing you nothing. So, you’re getting your money’s worth.

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Rabbi’s Advice … Tom goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to someone about it.”

“What’s wrong?” the Rabbi asks.

“My wife is trying to poison me.”

The Rabbi was shocked, “How can this be?”

The man is clearly desperate. “I tell you … she is poisoning me. What should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers. “Tell you what, I’ll talk to your wife and find out what I can and then call you back.”

A few days later, the Rabbi calls Tom and says. “Okay, I spoke to her on the phone for three full hours. You want my advice?”

“Of course,” the man responds.

“Take the poison!”

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Couples Counseling … Tom and his wife go to a therapist to deal with their problems. After they sit down with the therapist, the wife points out all the problems she sees with their marriage.

After some 45 minutes, the therapist holds up his hand to stop the wife’s monologue. Then he gets up, walks over to the wife, and kisses her passionately. He turns to the husband and says. “Now sir, if this happens to her 3 times a week, your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.”

Tom nods appreciatively and asks, “Great, just one question though.”

“Sure, what is it.” The therapist asks, pleased that things are going well.

“I easily can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesday but I go golfing with my buddies on Fridays.”

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No Golf Partner …. Tom’s wife says, “I noticed you haven’t been playing golf lately.

“I don’t have anyone to play with,” Tom replies.

“What about Clyde?’

Tom grunts. “Would you play with someone who cheats on his score and moves his ball when you’re not looking.”

“Well, I suppose not,” the wife agrees.

“Well, neither will Clyde.”

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The Visit … After work, Tom brings his buddy from work home for dinner unannounced at 6:30.

His wife starts screaming at him as the friend silently observes it all. “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are stacked in the sink, and I’m still in my pajamas. And besides, I cant be bothered cooking tonight. Why the hell did you bring someone home.”

The husband replies calmly. “Well, he’s thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo.”

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Fidelity … Sitting at a bar, Tom told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbeak of his broken engagement.

“So sorry, dude, what happened?” the bartender asks.

“Well, what can I say? But would you marry someone who didn’t know the meaning of the word monogamy and who laughed whenever the issue of fidelity came up?

“No way in hell,” said the bartender.

“Well, neither would my fiance.”

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Reminiscing …. Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing about the old days.

The first one recalled the time she could get a large cucumber from the local grocer for one penny, indicating the length and thickness of the vegetable with her hands.

The second lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also. Then she used her hands to demonsrate the size of two onions she could get for a penny a piece.

The third lady smiled as she piped up. “I can’t hear a damn word you two are saying but I sure as hell remember the guy youre talking about.”

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The Magic Trick … An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishan steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and the two men leave. Outside, he says to the Irishman, “that took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

The Irishman replies: “Thats just simple thievery. I’ll show you how to do it the Irish way and get the same results.”

“I doubt you have anything to teach me,” the Englishman says, “but go ahead.”

So, the two men go back into the shop and call the owner over. The irishman begins, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick. I’ll make three buns disappear and then reappear.”

“Well, I’d love to see that one,” the owner responds.

The Irishman asks for a bun and then eats it. Then he asks for two more and eats them as well.

The owner becomes suspicious. “So, where’s the trick?”

The Irishman smiles: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

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The Birthday Gift … Tom tells his buddy, “I dont know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. Besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I’m just stumped.”

Toms buddy responds, “Hey, why dont you make up a fancy certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it, when she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.”

Tom, not being the brightest bulb on the marquee, did just that.

The next day Tom’s buddy asked, “Did you take my suggestion?

“Yes,” Tom grimmaced.

“Well, how did it go?”

Tom sighed. “She loved it. She jumped up and kissed me before running out of the house shouting ‘I’ll see you in two hours.‘

…………………………………………………. THE END ……………………………………………..