I may have to dial it back over the next few days as I am otherwise rather occupied. After all, it’s not as if I’m paid for sharing my wit and wisdom though I do get compensated way more than they are worth. So, more bad jokes today. And these are a bit sexist but if we don’t laugh at ourselves, who will. And nothing, I mean nothing, is more hilarious than men and women trying to get along.

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FBI Assassin: The FBI had an opening for for a top level assassin. After the candidates had completed all the testing and interviews, they were given one final hurdle to complete.

To the first candidate, “Your wife is in the next room. Take this gun, go in their, and shoot her.”

The candidate looked appalled. “I simply can’t do that. She’s my wife.”

The FBI screener said. “Well, then you are not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home.”

They said the same to the second candidate. He looked shocked, but took the gun and went into the room. After a minute of two, he came out. “I tried but, in the end, I just couldn’t do it.”

“Sorry then, you and your spouse may leave now.”

The third candidate was a woman. She was told her husband was in the room and given the same instruction. She went in. Seconds later there were several shots followed by loud banging, crashing, and sounds of a desperate struggle.

Alarmed, the FBI screener opened the door and there she stood, wiping the sweat from her brow. “That damn gun was loaded with blanks so I had to kill him with the chair.”

[courtesy of Sue Wilson]

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A Lesson: A Sunday school teacher wondered if her young students were confused about the nature of Jesus. So, she asked them where they thought Jesus lived.

“In heaven,” little Jimmy said.

The teacher smiled.

“In my heart,” said little Tommy, always the suck-up.

The teacher smiled even more broadly.

Then she turned to little Mary who said, “In the bathroom.”

“The bathroom?” The teacher was surprised. “Why the bathroom?”

Because my dad, when he gets up every morning, goes to our bathroom and starts banging on the door while shouting, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?”

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The Weight Issue: One day, Tom was having a brew with his good buddy. “So, last night, I threw my arm over my wife while we were in bed and the task felt easier than usual. So, I asked, ‘love, have you lost a bit of weight?”’

“Aaaw, honey, that’s so sweet of you, but I don’t think so,” she said. “In fact, to be honest, I may have added a couple more pounds this week. What prompted your statement.”

“Oh, now it all makes better sense,” I said aloud what should have remained unstated. “I see that you have sunk deeper into the mattress.”

His buddy shook his head in disbelief at how utterly stupid his mate was. “So, I assume you’ll be needing a place to stay for a few days.”